I got sick this weekend. I've never had a stomach bug this bad in my life and I hope to never have one like this again. More on that later this week. Today we have other things to talk about.
I don't know where this post is headed but I just need to write.
When Lucy died it was awful. It still is, don't get me wrong, but that first few weeks were absolutely unbearable. I used to get texts from Lauren and Molly every single day telling me that they loved me and that they were praying for me. They told me that they felt awful and that they didn't know what to do. They wanted to help but didn't know how. Wanted to make me feel better but knew their words could only go so far.
Unfortunately I now know how they felt.
I woke up on Friday morning to a terrible text message. “Bridget's best friend was killed in the movie theater shooting last night. Please pray.” I hadn't heard about the shooting yet but my heart fell out of my chest. Bridget is Molly's sister.
Once I woke up and realized what I had read and what it all meant, everything came rushing back. The phone call from Lucy telling me she had cancer. The texts with updates. The moment I read on her CaringBridge that she'd died. All the tears and sleepless nights. The knowledge that Jansen wouldn't remember her, she wouldn't know my future children, I wouldn't get to see her get married.
That feeling is something I don't wish upon my worst enemy.
And yet I had just found out that one of my dear friends was now experiencing it.
You can read Molly's post about Jessi on her blog. You've probably heard about her on the news, you definitely have if you live in Texas.
I want to undo it, rewind and somehow make it better. I know I can't do that, so I'll just do what I can to be present for Molly. And I pray that all of Bridget's friends do their best to make her feel loved and comforted. And the rest of their family, and Jessi's family. And all of the lives Jessi touched. Take that and apply it to
every other victim.
I still have a lot of anger associated with Lucy's death. In her situation, there isn't a specific person to direct my anger. So I hate cancer, and that's an okay thing to hate. Though sometimes I find myself getting bitter when I hear about cancer survivors. Don't think I'm a terrible person, I'm not. I'm human. I'm sure I'm not the only person that has felt this way. I don't hate them, I hate that they got what Lucy didn't. Why didn't Lucy get to be a Survivor and wear a ribbon and speak about her battle. I hate when people say that someone “lost” their battle with cancer. She didn't lose a battle. Cancer killed her. Don't sugar coat it. Lucy was the strongest person I know, if she was
given ANY choice in the matter, she would have kicked cancer's ass. She didn't get that choice. So forever I will loathe cancer.
In Jessi's situation, it's much different. There is a person responsible for her death. One single person. If that person had made another choice, her life would have been spared. Twelve lives would have been spared. And thousands upon thousands of people wouldn't be hurting. I imagine they are going to be dealing with anger for a long time. I'm sorry Molly. Anger and hatred are nasty things, but I'm going to be the last person to tell you not to hate that man.
Remember when I begged for your prayers for me? I'm now begging for them for Molly and her family. Pray for some sort of peace. Pray that the tears will stop. The sadness won't leave for a long time. I don't know when, I haven't reached that point yet. I still think about Lucy every single day. Sometimes I don't think of her until the evening and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes she's the first thing I think about when I wake up.
Molly and Bridget, think about Jessi often. Hang on to those parts of her that you love so much. But don't let her death ruin your life. I didn't have the opportunity to know her, but I know that she wouldn't want that. Honor her with your life. I love you girls.